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14 December 2007 @ 08:59 am
I am one of those wierdos who actually puts stock in subconscious dreams saying something about problems lying dormant in your conscious mind. I also have VERY fucked up dreams, but at the core I often find sommat true in them. My latest dream was very distressing, and I'm starting to wonder if I have the psychological build to be a stalker. I'm not actually stalking anyone, but there are just two people who literally NEVER leave my mind. I don't know why I am so obsessed with them, especially since one I only knew for a few months three long years ago. But the obsession is still there, and somehow I wish I could just see what it was like... Just try it a little and know what Im missing.

The people I'm talking about are Andrea and Raven. UGH! What is it about them that makes me utterly incapable of letting alone my worried mind?! I feel like it should be love but it doesn't make any sense. I knew Andrea for two years before I realized I was bi and had fallen in love with her. She was the first person in YEARS who had shown me kindness among my own age. She genuinly enjoyed my presence and didn't care that her other friends hated my guts. In every possible way she was utterly and completely beautiful. Whenever I think of her I am forced to cry. And the fact that she almost never leaves my thoughts is what truely strengthens my resolve never to become involved in her life. It kills me to never see, speak to, or message her, but I feel that this otherworldly attraction will somehow destroy her. I have always been afraid of what I am capable of, and with a woman I am even more so. I may not be stronger than most men, but I am certainly stronger than any woman who does not strength train herself. I desperately want her to have a good life and I strongly belive that the good life she should have does not include me.

Raven... Oh Raven what on earth did I do to deserve this torment from you? I met this anger-issue pretty boy about three years ago during my sophmore year. I liked him for his looks, and I was impressed by his rare intelligence (He knew about croatia WITHOUT me telling him where it was.). But what really got me smitten was that he actually was attracted right back at me. The first person to flirt with me who wasn't twice my age had quite an effect on me. Maybe its because before then I had been so alienated. Ignoring all of my previous friends from Middle school, and still feeling pretty outside of the goth circle, Raven really made me feel like I had some kind of worth to other people. With just a few sparing, flattering words he made me feel like existing was worth it. I know that sounds just obscenely pathetic but its true. Before I met him I was terrified of being alone again like I was in elementary and most of middle school. I wanted desperately to see what it was like to be loved by someone other than my family. He still flirted with me even after he got together with Dara (You find her hot too?! Lets have a threesome!) but when I found myself so frequently annoyed by the group of gothic losers I spent time with in the slim chance that Raven would come around, I hung around with them less and less, and thus my chances of seeing Raven lowered to zero. Even the one time I saw him again and teased him about remembering my name, all I could feel was hate and abandonment. I knew he hadn't realized how much potential I had stocked in him, so I bit my lip and I ran away. That day I only ran a few dozen feet and sat crying at the little island of plantlife near the side of the school. I wasn't about to make a huge scene over a crush that was never made real, but I did honestly feel betrayed that he put so little affection into the greeting then turned right back to everyone else. When he was first flirting with me, I was still on the edge about being ready for a relationship. but with him I really wanted it. But I acted too late. Suddenly he was with Whisper and going to the army. I desperately wanted to hate him for that. On principal I hate anyone who willingly joins the army. But by this point he had already become a symbol like Andrea. A symbol of what could've been. A touch of affection to a child who had been alone so long, and was starving for more. I distanced myself from him, though even now I still desperately want to fuck him, and kill him at the same time.

All of these paragraphs probably seem pretty disjointed. Thats because though they do have a common theme, I haven't mentioned it. So I will now. Last night I had a very bizarre dream, which I've since interpreted. Raven was wearing a mask which represented the short opportunity which I'd wasted when he was still attracted to me. He gave me a bizarre key which represents the ideallic desire I have to be with him even after I know he's changed, and I never even knew him well in the first place. But the key also had another purpose. It could either help the raven in my dream, or another who subconsciously I knew to be Randy. And whoever didn't get the key would fail. Perhaps the key represents love. and whoever I give it to is a crossroads I am facing. Do I give it to Randy, who I never really had the true spark with, or do I keep it to myself and give it to the warped reality of Raven and Andrea I've clung to for all these years?

I've never really felt particularly sane, but I've lived passably so for the last 17 years. I've felt neurotic, hallucinogenic, depressed, suicidal, and even downright homicidal before and frequently. Dreams are usually my escape. My balancing factor when I am feeling insecure and imbalanced. I go to sleep to stop being angry or afraid. Now it seems I can't even escape to unconsciousness anymore without being barraged with troubled thoughts and emotions. I feel as though I've lost the ability and the will to function properly. According to current psychological science, neurosis greatly reflects my troubled issues, but it is no longer considered a psychological problem, but simply a normal human coping mechanism to the daily mechanations of life and personal issues. I have to wonder that if everyone feels this way, how are we still alive?
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: melancholymiserable
Current Music: None
21 July 2007 @ 04:09 am
Kay, so since I've been back, basically all I've spent my time with is driving class and an anatomy and physiology class at quincy college that I don't even need. In between that time I would surf the internet. I haven't even watched a single episode of anime since I watched that goat and wolf story (and even that was trying my lack of attention span) I showed to Donnie a few weeks ago. I'm going fucking crazy.

Its nearly four in the fucking morning and when I woke up, it was three. It's actually been like this for a little while. See, I've basically been compound brainwashed by my mum and the school system to believe that if I don't get into BU, any and all hopes of ever being happy are dashed. So I've been torn up about this class since nearly the first day. Course it wasn't at the time because .. wasn't sure about the class. it was because OTHER people weren't sure about the class.

I'm the baby of the family. I'm less smart, less ambitious, less attractive, FUCK The only thing I've got going for me against my brother is that I'm fucking saner than he is. But right now, I'm not sure anyone would agree. When I first took this class I was confident that i could handle it. But everyone just seemed to think I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to fuck up. Its safe to say that even though I act like nothing affects me, everything really does. As much as I try to bury my emotions, the usually wind up surfacing. And not even in a simple way like a tumor in a few years.

So now for the past week or so I haven't been able to sleep more than three hours, haven't been able to concentrate on anything I'm interested in, or anything I'm NOT, been depressed and lonely as fuck, and have contemplated suicide. OVER A FUCKING COLLEGE CLASS.

God forbid that BU ever finds this shit considering they don't accept people based on the fact that kids have killed themselves for not getting the top grade in classes. I'm not that smart, and I'm not that ambitious. All I need to fulfill what I've been told is the key to success is to get into BU. Once I'm in I'll probably relax again. But right now, I'm torn up, and I'm wound tighter than a drumstring. I need to drop this fucking class. and I'll repay my parents every cent they paid for it if only to get them to stop staring at me like I'm an irresponsible piece of trash.

Yes I fucked up. Yes I couldn't handle an entry level college course. But for fucks sake, this is an eight week course delivered in THREE. Not to mention that its Anatomy and Physiology, one of the most complex systems on the planet. I may not be as great of a student and have as much potential as my brother, but at least when not exposed to this fucking stress I can get a good nights sleep. But for right about now, me and him are on the same fucking page. and I want to get back to normalcy.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: silence
01 April 2007 @ 10:48 am
Alright, so I've been researching and looking at FTM post-op things for a few months now. I've been toying with the idea of being FTM but I don't think that's the case. I don't identify as male, and I don't really view myself as female. I think I may be a bit chouvanistic. Women are in no way equal to men even after all of the effort put forward, and honestly I don't think they ever will be. All creatures have a superior feeling about themselves to an extent, which prevents people from viewing everyone as equal. As result, I find myself depressed at being female because in our society, women are lower than men. So I've been looking at the concept of getting breast reductions so that I can crossdress easily. I find myself worrying a lot about the health risks. I don't want surgery so that I'll be comfortable in my body, I'm comfortable in my body now, its other people who treat me differently because of how I look. The only person I know of who really makes me feel like my gender doesn't matter in the slightest is my friend Brandon. He's so rough and tumble, and its just further accentuated by how sweetly he treats his girlfriend. I feel like a guy, like I'm completely equal when he playfully attacks me. With people like Doris or Allen, I'm always treated like a piece of pottery. Doris is a unique person, but she is undeniably gender biased, having no concept of an in-between for male and female. Allen is obvious as anything when he is gentle with me, and he gives me wierd looks when I act masculine at all. Even CJ, whome I greatly trust treats me with reserve because he's just used to treating girls that way. People are afraid of offending me, or being accused of sexual harrasment.

I digress. What made me write this is because I feel so conflicted about how I feel about my breasts, which are so overtly feminine. In clothes, there is really only one thing that stands out to show gender, breasts. To crossdress, a girl just needs suitably short hair and a binding method and people mistake her for a femenine-looking boy. But binding raises risk fo breast cancer, and it prematurely flattens breasts. But honestly, even though I have well-shaped breasts, I would rather be able to feel as though I'm not being treated with padded reserve by being mistaken for a boy. I read about all of these crossdressers and transsexuals who become elated by the respect they receive, I want some of that respect too.

I hate being so weak and female. I want to be the same as any guy. I don't really care if my breasts are flattened, I wouldn't mind wearing binding all the time in that case, but I don't want to get breast cancer. and my dads naturalist views about body modification bothers me about getting my breasts removed altogether. I've looked at these pictures and sometimes they're works of art like that of Loren Cameron with his perfect upper body, indestinquishable from a male model, or they're like the sloppier jobs you see with breast cancer patients. I would hide my chest for the rest of my life if I could be treated with respect by everyone by being male. femenists are just as ignorant as the men who unconsiously keep women down. I ust want to be equal. I don't want to be afraid of someone who is stronger than me. I want to be able to defend myself from an attacker and defend those I love from an attacker.I don't want to be afraid anymore. And the only way I feel like I can attain that is if I fool people into thinking that I'm male.

I am no better than anyone else.

And I am no worse.
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: saddistraught
Current Music: Angel Eyes - Frank Sinatra
21 March 2007 @ 04:47 pm
Even with all my posturing, I realize that I really am irreperably selfish. I've become so isolated, that I can't even muster up the sympathy t comfort the only person I've ever been able to comfort. My brother is so lovesick, and I just can't figure out how to help him. Putting myself in his shoes... it doesn't work. I've just convinced myself that I don't know what love is, because he has told me that himself.

People are only able to comprehend themselves. I'm so separated, so afraid to connect to others that I view myself like an alien where no one else can be similar. I've been so full of hatred lately. Hatred for all these people around me who live life through a tunnel vision straight to the grave. But what am I doing? Am I so different from them?

I insulted my brother. He is so lovesick, and now can't figure out why I can't understand how he feels. I asked him what I should do, and he told me to just leave. So I did. It probably was the wrong thing to do, but whether I am there or not, he's still going to cry. I don't think I'm worthy to sit by his side and comfort him, because I don't think I'm worthy to comfort him.

What can I do to ease his pain? I have never expirienced love beyond that of my family, and this cannot really be compared to it. Maybe I just wasn't listening to him, and if I wasn't its only my own fault. I'm being so terribly selfish and I don't know how to stop. I can't listen to anything today, and fate just decided that today was the most important day to listen. I feel like such a failure, so depressed and lonely. I should be at home trying to comfort Kas, but I can't. I feel like I'll just make it worse. So all I can do is sit here and worry. What is he going to do in that depressed state?

I myself am feeling so low now, I kind of want to die, because I feel like everything I do is so futile. that I really don't have anything that I need to learn and that I should just fade away so I don't have to think, or worry, or cry anymore. Just the fact that I'm writing this is a testament to my selfishness. I want him to see this, and understand how confused and conflicted I am. I want him to forgive me, when I should be begging for forgiveness at his feet instead of typing this medium, and hoping he will see it.

I should be thinking about helping him, but I really just don't know how. And all I can think is that this is too hard, and I can't live up to it.


Everything is about me. And I can't figure out how to stop.
I can't figure out how to love.
I can't figure out how to comfort.
I don't want to think about "I" anymore.
Current Music: The Dumbing Down of Love
21 January 2007 @ 04:16 pm
To me gender is a fluid thing. It is made up of preconceived notions which differ from person to person. I come from a family which does not have many of those preconceived notions. My parents both don't think of their gender in any way other than their physical makeup. My mother is female because she is anatomically female. My father is male because he is anatomically male.

But the way you view yourself has a part in how people perceive you as masculine or feminine. This is based on your actions. The fact that my mother constantly seeks new heights in jobs and connections in a very aggressive way is considered a masculine trait because women are still relatively new to the workplace. My father in a similar way, is the one whom I have always turned to in emotional times if not my brother, and he is also the one who cooks, and cleans, all three are traits considered to be feminine. However neither of my parents considers them anything. They are traits which are necessary to live the way you want to and there is no actual connection between them and gender except in the eyes of society.

This is similar to how I view myself. Unlike my parents, my brother and I grew up learning to view femininity and masculinity as a new level of your gender. Where our parents decided that it doesn't matter, we realize that the rest of society thinks that it does. That is why my brother and I are in a way 'gender-queer' and in that same way, so are our parents.

My brother and I embody both genders mentally. He has feminine tendencies and masculine tendencies. However the difference in the two of us is how we label ourselves.

My brother ideally would have preferred to be born female, and though he would never change his body to suit that ideal, he likes to be viewed as female because he considers himself to be more feminine than masculine. If he were exactly as he viewed himself, he would be a butch lesbian.

I am much more ambiguous. I have elements of both femininity and masculinity, and like my brother, ideally would like to be the opposite of my gender. However, unlike him, I would not want to be seen as a man. I find androgyny to be exceedingly beautiful, and confusing people is a good way to avoid judgment. if someone can't decide if you're male or female, they are forced to view you on a different scale and judge you based on other attributes. That is something I would like. And to be male is only a convenience because it is easier to be male in this world, as well as because it is easier for a man to be androgynous than for a woman to be so.

Also unlike my brother, I am attracted to both genders physically. My attractions mentally however tend to avoid masculine tendencies because they usually support ignorance and lack of emotion more than femininity. I abhor ignorance, and I have too much of a lack of emotion to have someone who is similar to me in that way. I need someone who is able to coax my emotion out with their own. And I have trouble being attracted to someone whom I cannot be open with my emotions and desires with.

In regard to gender mentally, I want to be ambiguous. I don't want to fall into the category of 'male' or 'female' because I don't think it should matter. I am a person. I am strong mentally and physically. and I am confident. I want that to count. Not whats under my clothes.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: okaysomber
Current Music: N/A
13 January 2007 @ 03:50 pm
I'm still trying to figure myself out a bit. I've always grown up to see the virtues of both genders, and find beauty everywhere in the world without rejecting something outright. In a way I think that this upbringing, and the similarity in how my parents and their relatives think has made me come to this conclusion: In my head, I have no gender. I've never really thought about myself as being male, or female. The fact that my body happens to be female is a coincidence. A friend of mine with a similar situation refers to the state of mind as a "Hermaphrodite complex". We don't use it derogativly, just as a description. Most of us are bisexual, since the viewpoint seems to have a connection with an appreciation of the beauty of both genders. However, I am currently unhappy with my appearance to an extent. I would like my body to mirror the androgeny which I describe to myself. The key word in this is ANDROGENY. I am not transsexual, since that implies that I would like to a a particular SEX which I am not. I am without and with both genders, and would like to be considered both. Pronouns don't bother me. They're just words. But I do so HATE it when people tell me I'm restricted because I'm a GIRL. Everything is a shade of gray. Even gender.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
14 November 2006 @ 12:21 am
I am under the impression that some of you don't like my brother, or maybe think I talk about him too much, or take his opinions too seriously...

Fuck You.

I just finished passively observing a heated argument between my mother and brother and have clearly realized something. My brother and I depend on each other. My mother is a fucking robot. I am dead fucking serious. When this woman compliments you, even when she tries to sound sincere it comes out mockingly. She can't hug you without feeling the lack of feeling and trying to talk to her is quite literally like talking to a modem with very limited memory.

My father is a great guy but he's still a busy man and he's rarely around and leaving my brother alone with my mother is not a good idea. Honestly leaving my mother alone with anyone in my family is a bad idea. Both of my parents are very demanding and both my brother and I have had to live with their high expectations and the inevitable shame that ensues every small and large mistake we make each step of the way.

We need each other. As emotionally fucked up as I am and as mentally fucked up as he is we still seek each other for stability. My parents expect so much of me that I need someone I know who will always look at me with pride no matter what I think or choose or act like. And he needs someone to hug him and show the emotional support which our parents clearly cannot give.

You may not like my brother, but to me he is everything. He is my role model, he is my stability, he is my family and he is my friend and I am of a similar importance to him. I don't give a crap what you think and you damn well better keep your fucking opinions to yourself because I'm not going to be another of you morons who hate your siblings for minuscule reasons. He's my true family and I will always love him. And I'm not putting up with any more slander.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: None
07 July 2006 @ 11:25 pm
I'm scared. Oh god I am so scared. There were parts of that movie where I nearly cried in pure terror. What movie did I see? Some horror film? Click with acting so terrible that it made me tremble? No. I saw Gore's movie. And let me tell you, it is a TRAVESTY that this can only ONLY be seen in old fashioned, mini-movie theaters. I think I remember precisely when the last time I was this scared was. I was in fifth grade, and my science teacher Mrs.Pegg was teaching us about the plenets and the lifespan of a sun. I cried in terror much like today. She had told us that the sun, like every other sun, would someday implode, and create an explosion that would decimate our universe before it even became a black hole. But it was easer that time, because my mum came and hugged me and told me that the sun wouldn't explode for many millions of years. Then she joked that we'd probably destroy the earth before then anyway. Well its not a joke anymore and it may even happen within my lifetime. I know its probably dramatized but I've seen some of these effects with my own eyes. I don't just see pictures of far away places, graphs of steady declines.. I've seen, and felt and sweated these changes and I am deathly scared, because I don't have to call it controvercial. I know its true. And I know its worth more fear than terrorists, than rapists, and certainly more than butterflies. This is a fear that will come true someday. And I weep for my future.
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: "What have we become" - dc Talk
29 June 2006 @ 08:49 pm
You know you've been watching too much anime when the 'knight in shining armor' approach starts to sound dreamy... That and you need an SO. So I went on a blind date with a guy I met through Sayo, and he was the right height, and seemed like a decent guy, but honestly, his intellect was below average (he was a construction worker for cube's sake!) and he lacked the femininity I tend to go for in men. I think I'm developing one of those imaginary men scenarios. but fucking hell if everyone dreams of romance than why does no one act on it? I don't have the patience to crack through the defences some guy who SAID that he wanted a relationship. The new ones are afraid because they have no expirience, the veterans are afraid because they've been hurt. FUCK! I've never had a decent relationship yet and I'm still the one who's putting all the goddamn effort forward to create a cozy atmosphere. And even after such a situation is reciprocated, that same person acts as though it never occured afterwards. Quit being such goddamn pussies and act out how you want to. Romance is one of the few situations in which society plays absolutely NO role. It is the connection between two people and appearences have nothing to do with it. I doubt I can find the type of romance I'm looking for in a man, but I keep hoping and that hope is very quickly getting diminished. I want a girlfriend whome I can lavish with gifts and romance and who will lavish me back in their own forms of the two as well. Everyone wants the romance of the movies, and if you really want it, than you can have it, you just need the cube-damned strength to either initiate it or accept it when its offered you fucking pussies!
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: "Liebe Ist" by Nena
27 June 2006 @ 06:17 pm
Wow.. I haven't updated here in.. Months. Well since nobodies reading besides my curious brother I'm in a better mood than I was in previous months. School has ended and now instead of lethargy I've got a pent up expanse of energy and nervousness over the lack of anything to do. I want to get a job but for some reason the woman who offered me one hasn't made ANY attempt to talk to me after I've called, left my application in her mailbox, and tried to meet with her twice when she said she'd be there and she wasn't. I hate how much I sap off my parent's money and its way too slow for me. Maybe I should give up on working at the Y... Lifeguarding seems like a high-strung job anyway and I'm way too jumpy for that shit, not to mention I can't connect with people at all so such a job with so much social contact probably isn't the best idea anyway. I should get a normal job like a cashier at the supermarket or a fast food place. I wanted to try D'angelos but it doesn't look like they're hiring anymore. And here I thought I could learn how to make a delicious #9... Oh well. I'll just waste the rest of my day and pray that the guy I'm going on a blind date with tomorrow isn't a fuckmook with no redeeming features... I need a girlfriend, or something equally as time-consuming.
Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: N/A